That
Emperor's
Foo
L
A musical about nothing
SONG:
“Sometimes a Man, Sometimes a Woman”
(Espi and Professor Kunkel, each one having been told by Mundo that the other one is in love with him/her, meet in the Weaving Room. Espi picks up an invisible “sash” from Mach, models it, when Professor Kunkel arrives. He joins Espi in the pantomime with the sash during this song.)
Espi
PROFESSOR KUNKEL.
Professor Kunkel
Yes.
Espi
PROFESSOR KUNKEL. SOMETIMES . . .
Professor Kunkel
Yes.
Espi
SOMETIMES A WOMAN . . .
(suddenly fast)
HASN’T A CHANCE
OF SAYING IT STRAIGHT
SHE JUST OPENS HER MOUTH
POINTING NORTH OR SOUTH
AND THE WORDS COME ATUMBLE
OUT IN A JUMBLE
OF ANYTHING BUT
AN OPEN AND SHUT . . .
(She stops suddenly, embarrassed. After an awkward silence . . .)
Professor Kunkel
ESPI.
Espi
Yes.
Professor Kunkel
ESPI. SOMETIMES . . .
Espi
Yes.
Professor Kunkel
SOMETIMES A MAN . . .
(a quarter as fast as Espi.)
HAS A TONGUE
THICK AND DUMB,
CAN’T SAY MUCH,
NO SOFT TOUCH . . .
(He stops suddenly, embarrassed. An awkward silence . . .)
Espi
PROFESSOR KUNKEL.
Professor Kunkel
Yes.
Espi
PROFESSOR KUNKEL. SOMETIMES . . .
Professor Kunkel
Yes.
Espi
SOMETIMES A WOMAN . . .
(Suddenly faster)
HASN’T A CLUE
OF WHAT TO DO,
SHE JUST DOES IT ANYWAY
FRAPPÉ OR FLAMBÉ,
STIR UP THE POT
AND SEE WHAT YOU GOT,
HECK, IT’S BETTER TO START,
THAN JUST FALL APART . . .
Professor Kunkel
ESPI.
Espi
Yes.
Professor Kunkel
ESPI. SOMETIMES . . .
Espi
Yes.
Professor Kunkel
SOMETIMES A MAN . . .
HAS TO DO
A THING OR TWO,
CAN’T DECIDE
WHAT’S INSIDE . . .
Espi
PROFESSOR KUNKEL.
SOMETIMES A WOMAN . . .
(Suddenly faster)
THINKS HE IS HOT FOR HER,
THINKS HE’S FORGOTTEN HER,
THINKS HE IS THINKING
HE’D RATHER BE DRINKING
OR MAYBE HE LIKES
TO SEE HER IN SPIKES
OR MAYBE HE’D RATHER
NOT HEAR HER BLATHER . . .
Professor Kunkel
ESPI.
SOMETIMES A MAN . . .
DOESN’T THINK,
WHO NEEDS MINK?
ANY GUY’D
CHOOSE RAWHIDE.
[Duet]
Espi Professor Kunkel
THINKS HE IS HOT FOR HER,
DOESN’T THINK,
THINKS HE’S FORGOTTEN HER,
THINKS HE IS THINKING
WHO NEEDS MINK?
HE’D RATHER BE DRINKING
OR MAYBE HE LIKES
ANY GUY’D
TO SEE HER IN SPIKES
OR MAYBE HE’D RATHER
CHOOSE RAWHIDE.
NOT HEAR HER BLATHER . . .
Espi
You are stepping on my train, Professor Kunkel.
(Espi and Professor Kunkel dance, cooperating in a pantomime with the cape, now stretched into a long sash. She tethers him out to the end of the sash, then pulls him back in, hand over hand. She rolls herself up around the waist, then he unrolls her. He catches her and reels her in, coming face-to-face, almost to a kiss.)
Espi
Professor Kunkel.
SOMETIMES . . .
Professor Kunkel
Espi,
SOMETIMES . . .
Espi
SOMETIMES A WOMAN . . .
Professor Kunkel
SOMETIMES A MAN . . .
Espi & Professor Kunkel
SOMETIMES A MAN AND WOMAN . . . FALL . . . IN . . . LOVE!
(A final whirl of dancing, then Espi throws herself on Professor Kunkel and kisses him.)