That
Emperor's
Foo
L
A musical about nothing
SONG:
“The Plan / Sometimes A Man, Sometimes A Woman” (reprise)
(A teller-style window, labeled “The Plan" at top, with a gigantic book opened. The Bureaucrat(s) parts in CAPITALS are to be chanted, not sung.)
Espi
He cheated on me.
Professor Kunkel
She said I lied.
Lord Shallot
Now, my dears, whenever our own little minds don’t have an answer, just hand it all over to the Plan.
Courtiers
STEP IN LINE, GET BEHIND THE PLAN, PLAN, PLAN!
Bureaucrat(s)
(chant-like)
What is the problem, the dilemma, the quandary?
Lord Shallot
A great catastrophe befell these two lovebirds.
Professor Kunkel
Nothing ever happened.
Espi
He cheated on me.
Professor Kunkel
See-e-e-e!
Bureaucrat(s)
It’s bad all right.
Ladyship
Expunge upon the document.
Bureaucrat(s)
(paging through the book)
Let’s see. Wait…wait…wait…Ah-h-h!
BOOK THREE, PART C, SECTION TWENTY-TWO,
WHEREFORE, WHEREAS, WHEREBY,
THE PARTIES ARE ENTITLED TO AN ALLOTMENT.
Ladyship
Yes, brilliant. An allotment. Secure the allotment. Wait, who does the allotment?
Bureaucrat(s)
Wait…wait…wait….Ah-h-h!!
PARAGRAPH D, THE PARTY OF THE FIRST PART,
BEING, THAT IS, THE FEMALE PART
Espi
The female!? I won’t do any allotment, I won’t.
Female Courtiers
IT’S HIM.
Male Courtiers
IT’S HER.
Female Courtiers
IT’S HIM.
Male Courtiers
IT’S HER.
Female Courtiers
(with finality)
IT’S HIM, HIM, HIM
Ladyship
Who does the allotment, Lord Shallot?
Bureaucrat(s)
Wait…wait…wait….Ah-h-h!
(ascending pitch)
PARAGRAPH D, SUB-PARAGRAPH ….
Lord Shallot
(interrupting)
Who does the allotment?!
Bureaucrat(s)
(discombobulated)
Oh! Oh!...Ah-h-h!!
(ascending pitch)
SUB-SUB-SUB PARAGRAPH LITTLE F IN PARENTHESES.
THE PARTY OF THE SECOND PART, TO WIT, THE MALE PART,
SHALL DELIVER AN ALLOTMENT OF PLEASES AND PROMISES…
Ladyship
Yes, yes, that’s the answer.
Bureaucrat(s)
PROVIDED…
Ladyship & Lord Shallot
Provided?
Bureaucrat(s)
PROVIDED THAT THE FEMALE PART
RENDERS FORGIVE-AND FORGOTMENT.
(Silence. Blank amazement by all.)
Male Courtiers
IT’S HER.
Female Courtiers
IT’S HIM.
Male Courtiers
IT’S HER.
Female Courtiers
IT’S HIM.
Male Courtiers
IT’S HER, HER, HER.
Bureaucrat(s)
AND FURTHERMORE, THERE MUST BE PROPERTY.
You do the promises We take the property.
Professor Kunkel
There’s no property. Nothing.
Espi
(indignant)
I’m nothing!?
Bureaucrat(s)
Wait, wait, wait…Ah-h-h!
(Bureaucrat(s) flip the book to the first page. Very solemn.)
PAGE ONE, PAGE ONE.
IN ALL MATTERS BETWEEN TWO PERSONS,
IT IS THE
(emphasis on each syllable)
RE-LA-TION-SHIP.
All
(Courtiers in a 4-part chorale)
THE RE-LA-TION-SHIP.
Lord Shallot
Yes, that’s it. Never do we have to blame anything on you or me or anyone. It’s the Relationship. Espi, Professor Kunkel, you need to look in between yourselves…
Courtiers
In between.
Lord Shallot
To the….
Courtiers
THE…
Lord Shallot
Re…
Courtiers
RE…
Lord Shallot
La…
Courtiers
LA…
Lord Shallot
Tion…
Courtiers
TION…
Professor Kunkel
(suddenly exploding and taking command)
No-o-o-o-o-o-o! Go-o-o-o-o-o-o-o!
(All exit except Espi and Professor Kunkel.)
Professor Kunkel
Espi,
SOMETIMES.
Espi
SOMETIMES?
Professor Kunkel
SOMETIMES A MAN.
Espi
SOMETIMES A WOMAN.
Professor Kunkel
SOMETIMES A MAN . . .
Espi
AND WOMAN . . .
Espi & Professor Kunkel
FALL . . . ONCE MORE . . . IN LOVE!
(Swirling music to a danced finale, ending with a kiss.)