That
Emperor's
Foo
L
A musical about nothing
SONG: “Something More”
Mach
Your Highness, I bring to princes, potentates and emperors what their hearts desire: power, glory, wisdom, and beauty. Sir, my fashions are not ordinary. I create . . .
SOMETHING MORE.
But I will not waste your time if you do not desire . . .
SOMETHING MORE.
(He starts to leave.)
I will leave at once. Not bother you. Clearly you do not want . . .
SOMETHING MORE.
(Irresistibly caught, the Emperor tips his head to Lord Shallot, who thwarts Mach’s departure. Mach turns back.)
Mach
WHAT IS A MAN WITHOUT HIS CLOTHES?
OR A WOMAN STRIPPED TO HER TOES?
NOTHING BUT THEIR BORN-NAKEDNESS.
RAW NATURE’S UNMISTAKEDNESS.
THE SAME AS ALL,
SO DULL, SO NEANDERTHAL.
(a Strip Tease in Reverse. A fashion runway appears, down which strut two male and female models, tastefully naked or in leotards with fig leafs or deeply shadowed by down lights. Through the course of the song, they acquire first some simple adornments and then more and more, building into elaborate, gaudy outfits.
Alternative. Courtiers do a runway display of their clothes.)
Mach
BUT GIVE THAT WOMAN A FEATHER
GIVE THAT MAN A FUR,
AND THEY BECOME SOMETHING MORE.
GIVE HER A RIBBON,
GIVE HIM A HAT,
GIVE HER A SASH,
GIVE HIM A CRAVAT,
AND THEY BECOME SOMETHING MORE.
Courtiers
GIVE HER SOME FRILLS,
GIVE HIM A VEST,
GIVE HER A FLOUNCE,
GIVE HIM A CREST,
AND THEY BECOME SOMETHING MORE.
Mach
IN ANCIENT TIMES WE ALL WENT BUFF.
BUT ALAS, GOD’S WORK WAS NOT ENOUGH.
ONE FIG LEAF HUNG, WE HAVEN’T CEASED
TO DECORATE THE NAKED BEAST.
WE THINK WE CAN IMPROVE THE NAKED MAN.
SILKEN STOCKINGS RUNNING UP THIGHS.
A CASCADE OF LITTLE PINK BOW TIES.
AND THEY BECOME SOMETHING MORE.
WITH JEWELS BEDECKED, WITH SPANGLES BEFLECKED,
WITH RUFFLES AND LACE AND FESTOONRY UNCHECKED.
AND THEY BECOME SOMETHING MORE.
Courtiers
SILKEN STOCKINGS RUNNING UP THIGHS,
A CASCADE OF LITTLE PINK BOW TIES,
AND THEY BECOME SOMETHING MORE.
Mach
BY DRESSING UP OUR NAKED FRAME,
WE GATHER NOTICE AND ACCLAIM.
FROM NOTHING BUT THE COMMON LOT,
WE BECOME . . . ARISTOCROT!
Courtiers
SOMETHING MORE.
(The strip tease is finished. The models are elaborately dressed.)
Mach
It’s all very logical. How you dress is who you are! So how can an emperor be an emperor without all the fittings an emperor must have…to be emperor?
Courtiers
Oh-h-h-h.
Mach
Yavol!
(to a Courtier)
THIS SAYS ‘A MAN OF COURT.’
(to Lord Shallot)
THIS SAYS ‘OF HIGH IMPORT.’
(to the Emperor)
AND THIS SAYS, WELL, YES, ‘EMPEROR.’
BUT WOULD YOU LIKE
SOMETHING MORE?
ROBES THAT SAY
“HERE IS GOD AT PLAY’ – ?
Courtiers
SOMETHING MORE!
Mach
BESPEAK THE ATTIRE:
THERE IS NOTHING HIGHER!
Courtiers
SOMETHING MORE!
Mach
Let’s face it. Even an emperor can be ordinary. But if he dresses as an extraordinary, dazzling emperor, then that . . . he . . . will . . . be!
Courtiers
(hymn-like)
THERE COULD BE
SOMETHING MORE.
Mach
WHATEVER THE EMPEROR DREAMS OF
ALL THE COURT WILL RAVISH.
THERE ARE NO EXTREMES OF
ANYTHING TOO LAVISH.
What do you dream of, my emperor? Power? Glory? Beauty? Wisdom?
(The Emperor beckons Mach to approach.)
Lord Shallot
My dear sir, the Emperor has all these things and more . . .
Emperor
(brushing Lord Shallot aside, whispers to Mach)
Wisdom.
Mach
(whispering back)
Wisdom it is!
(turning to the full court)
I SHALL MAKE YOU THE MOST EXTRAORDINARY,
THE MOST INCREDIBLE . . .
Courtiers
OH-H-H-H!
Mach
ALL SHALL ADMIRE . . .
Courtiers
OH-H-H-H!
Mach
ALL SHALL EXCLAIM . . .
Courtiers
OH-H-H-H!
Mach
(darkly, under his breath)
EXCEPT! EXCEPT FOOLS!
(full to the court again)
ALL SHALL DESIRE!
ALL SHALL ACCLAIM . . .
(darkly, under his breath)
BUT, THERE ARE SOME, THERE ARE ALWAYS FOOLS. YES, FOOLS!
(full)
ALL SHALL BE RAZZLED,
ALL BE AMAZED.
(darkly)
YES, FOOLS!
Mundo
‘Tis I.
Mach
ALL SHALL BE DAZZLED,
ALL SHALL BE DAZED,
(darkly)
BUT THEY . . .
Mundo
Here am I.
Mach
DO YOU KNOW WHAT? THEY . . . CAN’T . . . SEE IT!
Courtiers
WHA’?
Mach
THEY CAN’T SEE IT!
Courtiers
THEY CAN’T SEE IT?
Mach
NO, THEY CAN’T SEE IT!
Courtiers
OH-H-H-H!
Mach
MY FASHIONS ARE FABULOUS!
GOSSIPED AND TALKED ABOUT!
CLAMORED AND GAWKED ABOUT!
BUT THEY . . .
Courtiers
THEY . . .
Mach
CAN’T . . .
Courtiers
CAN’T . . .
Mach
SEE IT!
Courtiers
OH-H-H-H!
Mach
KINGS ALWAYS WEAR IT!
PRINCES NEVER SHARE IT!
PRESIDENTS SWEAR BY IT!
BUT THEY . . .
Courtiers
THEY . . .
Mach
CAN’T . . .
Courtiers
CAN’T . . .
Mach
SEE IT!
Courtiers
OH-H-H-H!
Mach
MINISTERS ENDORSE IT!
PROFESSORS DISCOURSE IT!
MAGISTRATES ENFORCE IT!
BUT THEY . . .
Courtiers
OH-H-H-H!
Mach
THEY ARE FOOLS!
Courtiers
FOOLS!
Mach
FOOLS!
Courtiers
FOOLS!
Mach
ASININE, COCKAMAMIE FOOLS!
Courtiers
HA-HA-HA-HA-HA!
Mach:
THEY ARE FOOLS!
Mundo
‘Tis I!
Mach
FOOLS!
Mundo
Here am I!
Mach
STUTTERING!
Mundo
C’est moi!
Mach
BUMBLING!
Mundo
Voila!
Mach
MUDDLE-HEADED FOOLS!
Courtiers
HA-HA-HA-HA-HA!
Mach
FLUSH TO THE RED!
BETTER OFF DEAD!
(suddenly majestic)
BUT I WILL BRING YOU . . .
Mach & Courtiers
. . .SOMETHING MORE…
(The Emperor whispers to Lord Shallot. The Court hushes.)
Lord Shallot:
Show us a sample, that we may judge.
Mach
I have none. They take it all, they love it so much.
Lord Shallot
Show us a mere scrap.
Mach
I carry not even one piece. Bandits steal it.
Lord Shallot
We must have evidence.
Mach
But I will show you a thread. A thread is all you need to judge.
(With great ceremony, Pitts presents a small packet, which Mach unfolds. Slowly Mach pulls out the “thread” as the Courtiers inch forward, squinting hard, Espi in front of all.)
Espi
(after a long pause)
Ohmigawd!
Courtiers
(pulling back)
OH!
Espi
It’s beautiful!
Courtiers
OH-H-H-H-H!
(Mach dashes the thread away. The Courtiers stiffen to their original reserve.)
Courtiers
YES, INDEED, QUITE AMAZING, QUITE STUNNING.
Mach
Did it please your Excellency?
(The Emperor tips stiffly to Lord Shallot.)
Lord Shallot
His Highness . . . thought it . . . very beautiful.
Emperor
Ah-h-h-h-h! Mundo! What is your opinion of this?
Courtiers
Fool!
Mundo
I see empty space, nothing at all.
Courtiers
Ha! ha! ha! ha! ha! NOTHING AT ALL!
Emperor
Mundo, my friend, nothing at all?
Mundo
I am your fool.
Emperor
Useless fool! A wasted fool! What do you see, Lord Shallot?
Lord Shallot & Ladyship
(suddenly very stiff)
IT’S MARVELOUSLY BEAUTIFUL.
Courtiers
(pulling back from their jeering at Mundo to a slavish following of Lord Shallot and Ladyship)
ISN’T IT?
Lord Shallot & Ladyship
FABULOUSLY .
Courtiers
ISN’T IT?
Lord Shallot & Ladyship
A STROKE OF GENIUS.
Courtiers
ISN’T IT?
Lord Shallot & Ladyship
I’M SURE.
Courtiers
I’M CERTAIN.
Lord Shallot & Ladyship
NO QUESTION.
Courtiers
I’M SURE.
Mach
(triumphant)
THERE IS NO PRICE.
(silence)
NO PRICE TOO HIGH FOR WISDOM.
(Freeze-frame.)
Lord Shallot
Price? What price?
(Action resumes.)
Emperor
Yes, do it! Make me fabulous and wise! Arrange it, Lord Shallot!
(The Emperor starts to exit.)
Ladyship
And shall we arrange Espi’s wedding to the Fool?
Emperor
Yes, do it! And the Plan, Shallot. Do it! Give us a Plan!
Mach and Courtiers
ALL WILL PRAISE,
ALL WILL ADORE.
I (HE) WILL BRING ALL THAT YOU (WE) WISH,
ALL THAT YOU (WE) HAVE BEEN WAITING FOR:
SOMETHING MORE, SOMETHING MORE, SOMETHING MORE!