That
Emperor's
Foo
L
A musical about nothing
SONG: “One Man One Woman”
Mundo
And a very good match it will be. No, my ladies, marriage is not for Mundo, or any man.
DO I SEEM SAD?
MY SMILE TURNED DOWN?
MY EYES SUNK IN?
MY BROW A FROWN?
Espi & Female Courtiers
Oh-h-h.
Mundo
That’s how I’d be if I married. You have known me as a happy prankster, flitting from flower to flower. But if I were to give my life to one, I would become a tragic clown,
AND SING THE SAD SONG OF ALL JOHNS
WHO HAVE GONE DOWN IN CHAINS WITH JANES.
ONE MAN, ONE WOMAN,
I’D LIKE TO STATE THE CASE.
THERE’S NOTHING FASTER
TO DISASTER
FOR THE MALE CHASE.
ONE MAN, ONE WOMAN,
THAT ENDS HIS WAND’RING DAYS.
THAT CLAMPS HIM DOWN
AND PUTS A FROWN
UPON A YOUNG MAN’S GAZE.
WHEN ALL AROUND THE SPRING’S BEGUN,
AND EVERY LAD IS HAVING FUN,
THERE’S FLOWERS TO PICK,
CANDY TO SUCK,
LOLLIPOPS TO LICK . . .
TIL SOME CLUCK SAYS:
Female Courtier 2
“uh-uh, JUST ONE!”
Female Courtiers
ALL THE BLOSSOMS ARE PERFUMING.
AND SAYING LOVE IS BLOOMING.
CHURCH BELLS CHIME
IT’S WEDDING TIME.
Mundo
AND I SAY IT’S GLOOM AND DOOMING.
THE NATURAL STATE OF THE MALE
BEFORE THIS CIVILIZED VEIL
WAS TO LOVE THE SPLENDOR
OF THE FEMALE GENDER
ONE AFTER ONE IN ALL FORMS HE COULD NAIL.
Female Courtiers
BUT NOW THAT WE’VE GOT YOU CAUGHT
YOU’VE GOT TO DO WHAT YOU OUGHT.
YOU TAKE OUT THE TRASH
AND BRING IN THE CASH,
Mundo
DAY AFTER DAY TO MY BURIAL PLOT.
Female Courtiers
FORGET ALL FUSS AND FUMING
FOR LOVE IN SPRING IN BOOMING.
LOVE BIRDS SING
THAT LOVE IS KING.
Mundo
LET’S FORGET ALL THIS BRIDE AND GROOMING.
(to a Courtier)
HONEY, LET’S COOK UP A LOVE-CAKE FLAMBÉ.
THEN KISS AND BE ON OUR WAY.
Female Courtier 1
CUTIE, IT’S ALL VERY FINE TO PLAY,
BUT I AIN’T JUST ONE DISH AT A BUFFET.
Mundo
(to another Courtier)
TOOTSIE, I COULD GET UP AND GO FOR A RIDE,
BUT THAT’S NO EXCUSE TO GET TIED.
Female Courtier 2
DARLING, THANKS BUT I GET DEWY-EYED,
AND I’M WAITING FOR HERE COMES THE BRIDE.
Mundo
(to a third Courtier)
DEARIE, IS ANYTHING MORE A THRILLER
THAN TO SLIP BEHIND A PILLAR?
Female Courtier 3
SWEETIE, TO A GIRL ’TWOULD BE MORE A THRILLER
TO FIND A MAN THAT WON’T SPLITS-VILL ’ER!
Female Courtiers
ONE MAN, ONE WOMAN,
IT WON’T BE HOMICIDE.
TO EACH HER OWN
TESTOSTERONE,
AND YOU’LL BE PACIFIED.
Mundo
You don’t get my point.
Female Courtiers
ONE MAN, ONE WOMAN,
WE THINK WE LIKE THE DEAL.
Female Courtier 1
YOU STAY AT HOME.
Female Courtier 2
YOU NEVER ROAM.
Female Courtiers
AND WE TALK OF THINGS GENTEEL.
Mundo
Empress, you must have a more mature view.
Empress
ONE MAN, ONE WOMAN,
THE YEARS HAVE THEIR EFFECTS.
THE GLOW IS GONE,
YOU STILL GO ON
DESPITE EACH ONE’S DEFECTS.
Mundo
Omigosh.
(to Eldora)
My dear, can you think . . .?
Eldora
(slowly, sweetly)
ONE MAN, ONE WOMAN
IS HOW IT’S MEANT TO BE.
THERE’S NOTHING MORE
WHEN TWO HEARTS SOAR.
THAT’S WHAT I WANT FOR ME.
(Mundo watches as Eldora exits. Then he turns back.)
Mundo
Marriage for a man like me? Absolutely never!
SO I’VE MADE MY CASE
TO THE HUMAN RACE,
AND THE VERDICT IS UNANIMOUS.
ALL THE MEN SAY ‘NO,’
ALL THE WOMEN SAY…
Female Courtiers
‘YES'
Mundo
AND THE WOMEN ARE UNANIMOUS!
Me marry Espi?
SO AS I TURN A NEW LEAF OVER
AND GIVE UP THIS LIFE OF ROVER,
I WOULD HASTEN TO CHANGE,
AND STAY AT CLOSE RANGE
TO MY ONE FEMALE MATE,
I WOULD VOW TO GO STRAIGHT
AND DO THINGS TO PLEASE.
I’D GET DOWN ON MY KNEES
AND PURR TO HER!
DEFER TO HER!
YESSIR TO HER! . . .
(pause)
GOD, LOVE’S A KILLER!
(suddenly playful)
BUT DON’T LOOK TOO QUICK,
OR YOU’LL CATCH ME IN THE THICK
BEHIND THAT PILLAR!
(Mundo exits in the same direction as Eldora.)
Female Courtiers
ONE MAN, ONE WOMAN
THE MAN PROTESTS TOO MUCH.
FROM WHEN HE’S PINNED,
TIL HE’S DOUBLE-CHINNED,
WE WILL HAVE HIM, HAVE HIM,
TIGHT, TIGHT, TIGHT…IN OUR CLUTCH!